Setting up a phone pact with your best friend

A partner is in the room at eleven at night, which makes saying no a domestic negotiation rather than a decision. A flatmate has to live with the atmosphere afterwards.

A friend has neither problem. They like you, they are not tired of you, they are not sharing a kitchen with the consequences, and being asked costs them a few seconds a week.

Long explanations make it sound like a bigger favour than it is. Short is better and gets a yes more often.

• What is blocked, roughly. Two or three apps, these hours.
• What you are asking for. You decide when I get out early, and you can say no.
• What it costs them. A couple of taps a week, and it is free for them.
• That you will not sulk. Say this explicitly, because they are worried about it even if you are not.

The single most useful five minutes you can spend. Agree roughly what you would like them to turn down: bored on a weeknight, one more look, nothing specific.

Without that, every request is judged from scratch and they will drift towards yes, because yes is easier and they cannot tell which requests you actually wanted stopped.

They stop answering, usually because the first few requests felt awkward and nothing was said about it. Fix it by asking once, directly, whether they still want to hold it. Handing it back is a completely reasonable answer.

Or you stop asking, and start using the emergency route instead, which is a way of getting out without anybody's involvement. If you notice that happening, the arrangement has already ended and it is worth saying so rather than letting it fade.

Two friends holding each other's keys is appealing and slightly weaker, because both of you know you will be asking next week. Reciprocity quietly softens both ends.

It is still much better than nothing, and if it is the only way your friend will agree, take it. Just notice if the noes stop.